07.06.07
Rated “R”
So I was catching up with some blog friends and saw that Crystal Inman had a rating of PG-13 on her blog. Out of curiosity, I ran the utility here. Guess what? I’m “R” rated. Huh? I think more than warning off your kids, I need to warn my Mum.
Crystal* said,
July 6, 2007 at 11:53 am
I obviously need to add a couple of “nipple” references to my blog. I got a PG-13 rating for an overuse of the word “hell”. Hardly seems right.
I at least want to EARN the rating.
Grins*
Mum said,
July 9, 2007 at 3:24 pm
Oh no! One more thing for me to worry about! Can you put some sort of filter on whatever it is that is “R” rated to keep me out? Don’t want to get into something I can’t cope with and end up with a heart attack. I still think of my boy as … ahem … pure; don’t burst that bubble.
Sheryl said,
July 11, 2007 at 5:09 pm
I don’t think your Mum has to worry too much. Your purity is intact. You don’t even cuss. It was probably from those of us in the comments. Or the word Kinsey. It’s a good thing the photos aren’t rated or you might move into whole nuther rating that would turn your Mum’s hair grey
Mum said,
July 12, 2007 at 7:48 am
Bryan, I hope you pay attention to Sheryl; you have given me enough grey hair already, thank you. Fortunately my hairdresser does a great job of covering the evidence.
Sheryl said,
July 13, 2007 at 8:51 am
I like your Mum’s advice - you should definitely pay attention to me, not Me, well her too, but I am full of wisdom
me said,
July 13, 2007 at 11:25 am
Do I want to know what i am full of? Or is that why this place is rated R?
me said,
July 13, 2007 at 11:30 am
If you’re full of wisdom, what am I supposed to be full of? Or don’t I want to know? no wonder this place is rated R.
me said,
July 13, 2007 at 11:32 am
OK, right, NOW it shows up. I swear is wasn’t letting me in the first time. Guess we know what I’m full of then.
Sheryl said,
July 14, 2007 at 8:42 pm
I ran the test on my blog and sweet irony, I rated a G. A G rating!! For two “sexy”s and one “damn”
I write steamy paranormal and only get a G rating. Bryan gets an R. Must have been Mallory’s wall. Definitely not for the faint of heart.
Sheryl said,
July 15, 2007 at 2:54 pm
Me, you are full of humour.
Cath said,
July 15, 2007 at 6:17 pm
So, brother-mine… Just wondering… why didn’t you mention the fact that you were going to have an article in the newspaper? 20 hours in a car, and not a word? Seriously. That’s really keeping your cards close to the vest.
Is it going to be a regular thing? Did you get paid? ;-D
Bryan said,
July 16, 2007 at 7:53 am
I got the “R” rating for four uses of the word “knife”, two uses of “pissed” (which by the way I distinctly remember getting in trouble for as a teenager because it just happened to be in front of my grandparents), and one use of “bitches”, which isn’t really fair since it’s in a link in my sidebar.
Oh, and the article? Yeah, it just never came up.
Cath said,
July 16, 2007 at 9:50 am
Okaaaaay. So now it’s come up. Answer the questions please.
Regular thing or one-time-deal?
Mercenary or voluntary?
(God, it’s like pulling teeth.)
Oh, yeah… one other thing… congrats.
Bryan said,
July 16, 2007 at 10:22 am
Okaaaay… Jeez.
It’s a column that runs every other Sunday or so. It rotates among several of us, so I will probably have to write one every other month, or maybe once a quarter. And since I used the term “have to”, it’s not exactly voluntary. I did “volunteer”… but you know how “volunteers” are determined in staff meetings.
And no extra pay for it.
It was all part of the frantic week prior to leaving for Canada. Had to write the column, get it approved, have my picture made (ugh!), etc.
Sheryl said,
July 16, 2007 at 10:45 am
I remember hearing about it but can’t remember when. Can I assume it was in yesterday’s paper? Is there a link to it? And when we were talking about writing for newspapers while sitting at the border, it could have slid nicely into that conversation.
I don’t need a dissertation for my questions about commerce in Niagara Falls. I’d like to finish that scene tonight if you have time. Right, Canada put you behind in your workload. “Blame Canada!”
Cath said,
July 16, 2007 at 11:15 am
It’s all that cold air you guys keep sending, Sheryl. Makes him cranky.
That and having his picture taken. You know how photographers are…
LOL I’ll stop yanking now, Bryan. ;-D
Love you, and really… congratulations, even if you were a resistant volunteer. Published is published.
Cath
(Oh yeah, Sheryl, it was indeed in yesterday’s paper. But our local paper’s website requires registration to look at the archived articles. If you’re inclined to register, though, the site is http://www.therepublic.com/ )
Mum said,
July 18, 2007 at 2:24 pm
Eh? What’s this? Things get stranger than fiction! Duh! All I really want to know is what happened to Mallory, Steve, Gabby and all that gang. Have they been pushed aside or did they just choose a window and jump?
Cath said,
July 18, 2007 at 9:59 pm
Mum,
Methinks they’re probably safe. Sounds like Bryan doesn’t much like his role as a journalist so I’m guessing he’s not very anxious to have any of them jumping out a window.
Unless it’s required for the sake of the story, of course.
Cath said,
July 18, 2007 at 10:00 pm
Oh… and it was a kind of “what’s the whole blogging thing about” sort of story in the paper. Kind of a local interest thing next to the opinion page. The column is called Library Lines, I believe. Bryan can correct me if I’m wrong.
Sheryl said,
July 20, 2007 at 7:42 am
I couldn’t get into The Republic’s archives without buying a subscription. Would it be possible to post the article here as Bryan is the author.
Mallory was pushed from the third story window. He’s lying in a broken pile beside a dumpster wondering how action heroes always manage to get up and chase after the bad guy when this happens to them. He will valiantly crawl into a sitting position and discover a valuable piece of evidence stuck to his coat.
Take it from there…
Mum said,
July 26, 2007 at 9:37 am
Pushed? Was I really pushed? Was it deliberate? I was … er … delirious, that’s it. Fever, the whole bit. My head was spinning .. oh what the hell. I was drunk. I vaguely remember this muckle big (Mallory has a wee bit of Scottish blood in him) over friendly golden retriever; a great big son-of-a- bi*** (not worthy of an ‘R’ rating as all dogs really are). The valuable piece of evidence stuck to my coat stinks. It is a smell I instantly recognise and a sharp reminder that I need to clean up behind said beast. In my foggy head I have some recollection of an agreement I had made with my sister. Something to do with babysitting her dog when she swanned off to Canada.
Cath said,
July 26, 2007 at 10:00 am
Or wait. Was that Memphis? I shake my head in an effort to remove the alcohol induced cobwebs. Damn. Note to self: Do not shake drunken head. Pain ensues.
If only I could remember where my sister went. And why. I’m sure she hired me for more than just looking after the dog.
(And why does my voice sound so weird in my head? I don’t sound like myself at all. Creepy.)
Sheryl said,
July 28, 2007 at 10:38 am
This darn blog. :sigh: Last night I dreamt Cathy, her Mum and I were chasing some mysterious guy wearing a duster, through her garden. The garden of course was booby trapped with plants that sprayed poison at the mystery guy, had a water slide for the dogs disguised behind some beautiful roses and would you believe there was a delicious dinner waiting for us inside once we realized the duster wearing runner was actually Mallory,poking around for clues. He cleaned up the kitchen and washed the dishes while we discussed the mustard coloured slime on the back of his coat. He blamed Me for pushing him(not me, but the other one) because she was tired of waiting for him to get a clue. The slime was indeed mustard as one of the dogs confirmed when he licked it off the duster.
Really Bryan, I think you need to do something with Mallory. See what he’s resorted to for amusement? Dishwashing - he truly is a hero
Mum said,
July 29, 2007 at 4:35 pm
Water slide for the dogs,eh? How strange is that? Oh hang on a minute; was that dogS, as in plural of dog? Oh hell, I’ve misplaced a bloomin’ dog! Dishes will have to wait till later … I’m off on a dog hunt. Teriyaki chicken, that’s it. I need some teriyaki chicken; no not for me, for the dog, he loves the stuff.
me said,
July 29, 2007 at 8:28 pm
I didn’t push him that hard. Who knew the guy was such a pushover?
Sheryl said,
July 29, 2007 at 10:51 pm
My dog, your dog, Mom’s dog, Cathy’s dogs - all using the water slide in your garden. And what a delightful garden it was. Don’t worry about doing the dishes. Mallory has those covered. Because he’s Me’s love slave dontchya know.
Mmmmm teriyaki chicken. Can’t write. Drooling.
me said,
July 30, 2007 at 11:11 am
I make him wear a little apron that says “Kiss the cook.”
And nothing else.
He has a cute butt.
Geez no wonder this place is rated R.
Mum said,
July 30, 2007 at 11:31 am
A little apron? What happened to the duster? Kiss the cook? The cook is a fellow … whole new story line for Mallory here. Don’t you think it’s time we heard from Bryan before we all ruin Mallory’s reputation for good?
Cath said,
July 30, 2007 at 11:59 am
So the dog Mallory lost, Mom… was that one of mine? Both were present and accounted for on our return home. Oh, wait… no… he lost his fictional sister’s dog. My bad.
I can’t wait to see myself as a fictional character, so I’m just inhabiting her now. LOL
I can see though, how Mallory might resort to teriyaki chicken to lure the dog back. It’s got me drooling too. Great… so now Bryan is going to make me a dog. sigh.
You’re right. Bryan better hurry back to take control of Mallory. There’s no telling what we might make the guy do otherwise. ;-0 He could skip the dishes for all kinds of things!
Bryan said,
July 30, 2007 at 12:11 pm
I’m tempted to stay quiet for a while longer. It’s easier to let other people do the writing than it is to write it myself. Just saying. You’ve been very entertaining.
Sheryl said,
July 30, 2007 at 12:23 pm
Well it was a real dream that I had and I liked Mallory in the duster - very dashing and mysterious. But I can see how Me would prefer nothing more than an apron if he’s her love slave. Even mysterious dashing detectives should know how to unwind at the end of a long hard day.
Mum said,
July 31, 2007 at 5:57 pm
Ahha; so that’s where I had it all wrong. I imagined Mallory as looking more like Columbo. Guess it’s an age thing … y’all are too young to remember Columbo in his old raincoat. Maybe I should try to imagine him as more like Keifer Sutherland as he looked in ‘Flashback’. Now we are talking gorgeous. Oops, ya’ll are too young to remember that one as well.
Sheryl said,
July 31, 2007 at 9:03 pm
Thanks. Now I feel old. I remember both Columbo and Keifer :sigh: My best friend’s father went to school with Donald Sutherland. I didn’t really appreciate his son until I saw him clad only in jeans, no shirt no shoes…sorry just went down a happy path I should keep to myself
Ahem, Mallory, young, vibrant, able to fall from the second storey window. Me’s love slave.
Cath said,
August 1, 2007 at 12:10 pm
Now see, when I think of dusters, Clint Eastwood jumps into my head, and off I go… out West again. But, pretty much anything sends me out West. So, to keep me in the loop, I think we should make Mallory a cowboy too.
I’ll just jump on my Harley and meet him in the desert. (No, not dessert… but I guess I could meet him there too.)
me said,
August 1, 2007 at 1:15 pm
Whipped cream come with that dessert?
Cath said,
August 1, 2007 at 10:44 pm
No comment.
(I do have family reading, after all. 
)
Sheryl said,
August 5, 2007 at 2:10 pm
I can’t imagine Mallory as dessert as long as he has the disgusting habit that began his story. The wall kinda turned my stomach.
I want to know who Mallory’s dame killed. And why. Bryan?
orangehands said,
August 5, 2007 at 5:02 pm
hey bryan
sorry i went AWOL, and then didn’t tell you i went AWOL, and then took forever once i got back to come over to your blog (i posted below and i did finally post back a response to your last point in our discussion). things got hectic, and some things just kind of fell to the waste side. i am very sorry though.
and to make the rest of you feel young again: i know Columbo. (ok, so i heard about him from my parents, but still- he plays on TV every once in awhile. young people do know him)
me: remember to give your love slave a break, you know how you wore out the old one.
later!
orangehands said,
August 5, 2007 at 5:04 pm
ok, i got a PG-13 (is it sad i was hoping for an R?)
their reasons:
breast (3x)
rape (2x)
ass (1x)
obviously i don’t curse as much on my blog as i do in real life.
orangehands said,
August 5, 2007 at 5:07 pm
just FYI, the Grill is also PG-13
# bomb (4x)
# dead (2x)
# hell (1x)
WTF?
ok, i have to go write now, later