I Never Promised You a Rose Garden

I’ve always loved the idea that life is a rose bush.  Beautiful.  Wonderful.  Great smell. And full of thorns.  Seems the great rose bush of life has been sticking me with its thorns lately.

Generally speaking, I’m a positive person.  Pragmatic and realistic, but positive.  I believe in staring down adversity and always moving forward, only looking back when one needs to remember past mistakes so we do not repeat them.  Usually, I do not dwell on those things I cannot change and focus on what I can “do”.

We all know what happened to the publisher I was with.   Totally out of my control, but I’m still having to deal with the bankruptcy court.  It’s a pain in the ass and I’d really like to just forget about it.  Move on.  But, I want the rights back to my books, so I have stay on top of it and do the things that will help me get my rights back.  I also have to keep writing.  Work on new things and keep submitting to other publishers.  I still dream of being able to hold my book in my hand someday.  It’s nice to dream, but sometimes a thorn wakes me up.  Annoying damn thorns.

Since February of this past year, I have been dealing with some medical issues.  I’ve had two procedures that “should” have taken care of the problem.  Should being the operative word here.  Did you know should is between shit and syphilis in the dictionary?  Well it is.  This last procedure has decided to make sure I have every possible complication it allows and few that the doctors have said, “you know Jen, you are not an easy case and this shouldn’t be happening.”  There is that should word again.  As you can tell, the positive thought process is breaking down here.  I’m frustrated.  I’m down for the count again and with no real answers to what is wrong.  That is just annoying.  Damn thorns.

I have been told to “take it easy”.  What does that mean?  I’m a busy mom with three kids who have very active lives.  I have a husband.  I have to drive people here and there.  I have to cook for them, clean their hockey equipment so it doesn’t smell up the house, help them with their homework, and the list goes on and on.  It never ends.  It’s not easy for me to “take it easy”.  I also don’t know how to ask for help.  I’m used to being Wonder Woman.  Really, not trying to complain here since I know most people would love to spend a few days, or weeks, or maybe even months “taking it easy”, but enough thorns!

The other day I was sitting in the passenger side of my minivan on the way to the hockey rink with my DD16.  I looked over at her and she glanced my way with a smile and said, “Mom, I’m driving.”
I said, “I know.”  Then proceeded to cry.

Why?  When did my baby girl start to grow up into a warm and wonderful young woman?  I can still remember how she smelled when she was born.  I can still hear that newborn cry.  She was less than 5 pounds when I brought home after fighting like hell to keep her inside as long as possible.  I spent 5 weeks in the hospital before she was born over a month early.  She was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.  Still is.

Then there are my boys. DS13 – who will be 14 in October and is growing leaps and bounds right now.  I look him in the eye.  Strange feeling.  He looks just like his father.  Handsome little devil.  He’s starting to change.  When did he start to become a young man?  What happened to the inquisitive little boy who had to touch everything?  Ok – so he still has to touch everything, but he’s growing up so fast.  We have grown up conversations.  I’m amazed at who he is becoming.  I’m in awe of him.

The youngest, DS10 is in his last year at the elementary school.  After this year, I will never again have a child in that school.  All my kids went there.  I know all the teachers.  They know me.  DS10 is also growing so fast it hurts sometimes.  He’s losing that baby look.  He doesn’t want me to cuddle as much anymore and God forbid I kiss him in public.  I was at the school the other day listening to his teacher tell me what a great role model he is for the other students and what a joy he is to have in class.  I cried.  This my baby boy someone is taking about.  What happened to all my babies?  When did I turn 41?  How did all this happen?

Of course, when you are stuck in bed on and off for months, you tend to get a little weird.  Maybe even a little sentimental.  For me, it just showed me that I need to focus on what is truly important to me.  Life is truly a rose garden.  Thorns and all.

86 comments September 23rd, 2007